


You Can't Keep Running

by winedad16



Series: A Guide to Forgetting and Learning How to Feel [3]
Category: Jojo Rabbit (2019)
Genre: 1940s Germany - Freeform, Angst, Freddy is married, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, for plot reasons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28968015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winedad16/pseuds/winedad16
Summary: Freddy comes across K again, seven years later, but things have changed (continued).
Relationships: Freddy Finkel/Captain Klenzendorf, Freddy Finkel/Original Character(s)
Series: A Guide to Forgetting and Learning How to Feel [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123697
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Achilles, Come Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title inspo is "Achilles Come Down" by Gang of Youths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, if you are feeling alone and like you have nothing left, reach out and speak with someone. Your life matters more than you may believe. The American National Suicide Hotline is 800-273-8255.
> 
> Warning(s) for:  
> Suicidal Ideation  
> Suicide Attempt (No physical harm occurs)  
> 

The night’s activities came and went, and so did Freddy. The sergeant had hastily redressed and left as soon as he could, leaving little time for conversation. Keeping up appearances with the captain wasn’t his main priority. It wouldn’t matter after the following afternoon, anyways. Of course, if he knew that his rush would come back and bite him in the ass, maybe he would have taken the time to chat and slow down a bit.

When Freddy woke up the next morning, things felt different. It wasn’t necessarily a good difference, but Freddy felt relieved that it would be over soon. As discreetly as he could, he slipped the revolver from out beneath his pillow and into the bottom of the bunk over his. Despite his plan, he couldn’t keep the gun beneath his pillow for morning-inspection, so he compromised. Late one night, using a sewing needle, he made a slit in the mattress above him, just in between the planks of wood holding it up. There, he could hide the gun away before moving it back with him at night. Back behind his pillow wasn’t the safest place and within a mattress isn’t either, but having it closer to him was oddly comforting. Maybe it was the promise of the end that it held or the idea that it was more accessible- just in case.

Either way, the placement of the revolver didn’t matter to Freddy after this morning’s inspection. 

He carried throughout the morning as it was completely normal, not allowing himself to break under gazes he deem as suspicious. It was just about time for them to break for lunch when K approached him.

“Sergeant. Heil Hitler,” He greeted as he looked around a bit. “How are you?”

“Heil,” Freddy replied, much softer.

The sergeant forced a smile to try not to show how annoyed he was that someone was trying to talk to him.

“I’m just fine.”

“Good, that’s good.”

A moment of awkward silence passed, making Freddy antsy. It was almost time for him to break away and he couldn’t lose time on a meaningless conversation.

“What do you want?” 

The captain cleared his throat and curved his voice away from anyone who could overhear them.

“Well after last night I thought I’d check in on you,” He replied with a small smile.

Freddy looked at him with a cocked brow and crossed arms, suspecting that there was more. The captain’s facade quickly faltered when he realized Freddy knew there was more.

_ “And  _ after you left I noticed that-”

“Do we have to talk about this now?” Freddy asked, interrupting the captain.

K looked at him a bit weird but dropped it in a second.

“We don’t but I thought that you would want to know what I have to say.”

“I’ll see you tonight, Captain. For whatever you need to say and nothing else,” He asserted before promptly turning on his heel, not allowing K to reply.

The captain didn’t follow him or attest to it, so Freddy deemed that conversation over as he hurried away. Twenty minutes passed and Freddy soon found himself in the mess hall. He grabbed a small amount of food, not wanting to be wasteful, and waited a few minutes before deciding to excuse himself, saying that he was heading to the bathroom, and slipped out into the hall. For some reason, he found himself taking a bit longer than expected to get back to the bunk room. He felt like his feet were being held down by weights-  _ Were they always like that? _

But, he eventually reached his destination and was now staring down at his bunk, telling himself that everything would be over soon. He took a deep breath and flexed his fingers.

“Okay, Friedrich,” He muttered to himself before getting to work.

He retrieved the revolver from the mattress and scooped up his knapsack before sitting down on his bed. He took out the envelopes addressed to his mother and his wife, placing those to his left before taking out another general letter to whoever would find him and placed it on his right. After that, he picked the revolver up from his lap and spun it around in his hands a bit before snugly placing it beneath his chin. With his finger on the trigger, he cocked the gun with his thumb and closed his eyes. 

While Freddy was focused on the fate he was about to receive, he hadn’t heard someone step into the room, said person being K. The captain looked around a bit before taking a few steps more into the room, looking around the corner, and ultimately spotting Freddy.

“Woah, hey!” The captain exclaimed, making Freddy jump. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” The sergeant exclaimed as he moved the revolver away from his head.

K hurried over and grabbed Freddy’s wrist

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked.

Freddy tightly held his arm up, silently fighting K’s grasp.

“Nothing, I… I was just...”

As Freddy struggled to lie, he broke down sobbing, letting his arm go limp and his grasp on the gun ease. The captain quickly removed the gun from the man’s possession before carefully putting it aside and uncocking it. K glanced over to the papers sitting next to Freddy in his bunk before looking back to the younger man and placing a hand on his back, trying to do his best to soothe him. Freddy just continued to sit there, head in his hands, choking out broken cries.

“Hey, I… You’re...” K trailed off and just rubbed Freddy’s back, obviously not knowing what to say.

The two sat there on Freddy’s bunk, the sergeant weeping into his hands while the captain looked on, awkwardly rubbing the other’s back. A small amount of time, which felt like a millennium to both men, eventually passed and Freddy’s sobs defaulted to heavy and labored breaths while K’s hand left his back.

“How long… How long have you had that gun with you?” K carefully asked. “You’re supposed to be leaving them outside of the room.”

Freddy sighed and hiccuped.

“A few days or so.”

He hiccuped again.

“After last night I just… I just today would be a good day to…” He sighed and placed his head in his hands before mumbling,  _ “Fuck.” _

“I wasn’t that bad, was I?” K asked with a laugh. “I like to think I’ve still got it.”

Freddy looked at him with a broken gaze, making K get serious again and quickly nod his head.

“You’re right. Not the time for jokes.”

There was a short few seconds of silence, but it felt suffocating. K scrambled to fill it.

“We’re gonna- I…” K looked around for a moment before leaning over and scooped up all three of Freddy’s letters before folding them over and holding them up, shaking them a bit. “I’m gonna hold onto these.”

Freddy nodded, not being able to get himself to oppose it.

“You know- Just so it would keep you alive a bit longer to rewrite all of them,” K continued as he tucked them into his pocket.

The comment didn’t really make Freddy feel any better but he sort of appreciated the sentiment. The sergeant dropped his gaze down before letting it travel over to the gun on the small table next to the captain. He rolled his lips together as his hands twitched. K followed his gaze and when he realized what Freddy was looking at, he moved so he was blocking the sergeant’s line of sight.

“Okay, I’m gonna get you out of here because I don’t like how you’re looking at that gun,” K said, clearly uncomfortable with the situation as he began to stand Freddy up. “I’m gonna get you to the medical officer.”

Freddy pulled away from the captain and took a step back.

“No, no. It’s fine. I’m fine. You can take the gun. I’ll be fine,” Freddy insisted until an attempt to just get the man to leave.

“No, Freddy. We’re going,” K asserted. “I don’t want to have to report you for at-risk behavior because I know you’ve got a family to support but if you don’t come with me I will.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary, Captain,” Freddy continued to persist. “I-”

“Sergeant,” K’s tone was firm and serious, his gaze going hard.

Freddy nodded and picked up his jacket before following the older man out of the bunk room. As they left, K put the revolver away, Freddy side-eyeing it as he did so. The two walked in uncomfortable silence, both painfully aware of the events from early- A large contrast to what happened the night before. With every step they took down the hallway, Freddy could feel the shame build on his shoulders, weighing him down, making it harder to continue to move forward. His plan was supposed to be foolproof; Timing and spacing had been planned to  _ avoid _ disruption. He couldn’t help but think about where he went wrong and each move he made led back to the previous night. He quietly sighed and kicked himself for being so desperate the other night. Not only did his actions completely delay what he wanted but it put him in the position of dealing with the man he slept with,  _ twice now, _ that he wanted nothing to do with anymore. 

_ Why couldn’t have this been easy? _

The sergeant was snapped out of his daze when he heard the captain speak up.

“I found him sick in the restroom, puking his guts out. Right, Finkel?”

Freddy slightly nodded before looking around, taking in his surroundings. He hadn’t realized they were already in the small medical bay.

“It could be influenza, I’m not sure. But I’d like for him to stay here and get looked at.”

The sergeant looked at K with a furrowed brow as the medical officer checked his watch and wrote something down on a slip.

“Your name, please?”

After Freddy provided the officer his personal information and fake symptoms the officer shuffled off with the promise of a quick return. As they waited, K shuffled a folded slip of paper out of his pants pocket, one that wasn’t Freddy’s letters that he had collected earlier. 

“Finkel,” He said, grabbing the blond’s attention. “This fell out of your pocket in the bathroom.”

He extended the folded paper out towards Freddy.

“I wanted to return it to you.”

A bit confused, Freddy accepted the slip of paper and flipped it open. He recognized it to be his wife’s handwriting and looked up to K, surprised, realizing that he must have gotten separated from it when he redressed. Before he could say anything to thank the man, K gently clapped Freddy on the back with a  _ ‘Feel better’ _ before leaving the medical bay. Freddy nodded and looked down at the letter, getting a small glimpse at the bad news that was broken to him the day before. He sighed and folded the letter back over, his thumb briefly running over the fold before he tucked it into his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, if you feel like you are feeling like you would be better off dead, please reach out to someone. The American National Suicide Hotline is 800-273-8255.
> 
> Thank you for reading. :)


	2. Put Down the Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s) for:  
> (Talk of) Death of a Child  
> (Past mention of) Suicide Attempt (Recent)  
> Mild Sexual Content

Freddy spent the next two days stuck in the hospital wing feeling ill- Not because he had suddenly contracted the flu to match K’s lie, but because he was anxious and guilty. A million thoughts were going through his mind. Guilt, shame, nervousness sent him reaching for the bucket placed by his hospital cot and dumping what remained in his stomach out into it multiple times the previous day and now he wished he was just numb from it all.

It was the end of his second day there, just nearing his third night when someone announced their presence and stepped into the small curtained-off area. It was K. Freddy immediately sat up at his arrival.

“Good evening,” K softly greeted as he took his hat off of his head.

Freddy gave him a nod. He noticed the fresh bruises at the base of K’s neck and curled his legs up to his chest.

“You should button up your collar.”

K’s eyes widened a bit at that before fixing his shirt.

“Thanks.”

Freddy raised his brows in response before looking away.

“How… How are you doing?” K asked.

The sergeant sighed.

“Why are you here?” 

“To check in on you.”

“Why now?” He asked, looking back to the captain as he did so.

“I’m quite busy, but I did happen to find time to drop by last night. Of course, you were sleeping then so I guess my words don’t have much worth to them, do they?”

Freddy once again averted his gaze.

“If you’re going to become my right-hand-man you’ve really got work on your eye contact,” K said with a small chuckle.

The sergeant took a moment to process that before  _ yet again _ looking back.

_ “What?” _

“I had you promoted so I could keep an eye on you.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Just as K went to respond, a medical officer entered the small, curtained-off area. The captain became reserved and stepped back as the medical officer handed Freddy some paperwork and discharged him. The entire time, Freddy took small glances back to K and the captain pretended to not notice.

Soon they both found themselves standing outside of the medical wing, Freddy rubbing the ball of his heel into the tiled floor below them. He didn’t know why he was waiting there with K- Maybe it was for elaboration on his ‘promotion’ or maybe it wasn’t, but suddenly the captain was handing him his uniform jacket, which he had forgotten back on his cot.

“Do you want to go on a walk? Get some air?” K asked, cocking his head as he did so.

“I…” Freddy sighed and accepted the jacket. “Sure.”

The captain nodded and led him out of the base and into the partially-wooded area outside, into the silent dusk.

“How are you feeling?” K asked.

Freddy shrugged.

“I’m not too sure.”

K nodded.

“Do you think you’ll try to do it again?”

Freddy shook his head and shrugged.

“I’m not sure.”

K paused, standing still and looking out to the horizon in the small field that they were now in.

“Why don't we sit for a little while?”

Freddy nodded, and as they sat down, their pinkies brushed, making Freddy immediately retract his hand and place it into his lap.

“So, about you becoming my sub-officer,” The captain began.

Freddy looked at him.

“What about it?”

“If you don’t want the promotion I can have it undone, move you to another captain, but I wanted to do this for  _ you _ ,” K explained. “I want you to know that I think I have some sense of understanding and that I don’t want you having no plan for your future.”

_ “I _ had a plan and you-” Freddy sighed, “You’ve made it significantly harder to complete.”

“A lot would argue that it wasn’t a good plan,” K retorted, but Freddy stayed silent. “You’ve got to stay strong. I know you’ve got your kin to take care of, so-”

“No, I don’t.”

K looked at Freddy with a cocked brow

“What do you mean? You’ve got a wife and a kid, right?”

“I…” Freddy shook his head before his brow furrowed. “I never told you about the baby.”

K sheepishly smiled.

“Well I read the beginning of the letter you left behind, you can’t blame me for being a bit nosy, right?”

Freddy averted his gaze.

“It died.”

K’s face fell immediately.

“Oh, wow… I’m so sorry for your loss.”

The sub-officer nodded and shrugged, feeling indifferent about it.

“It’s not really…” Freddy ran his hands over his face before mumbling, “God, I’m going to sound like an asshole if I say it.”

“Go ahead,” The captain encouraged. “It’s a judge-free zone, here.”

Freddy sighed and sat up.

“I didn’t feel bad when I learned that it died.”

“Oh?” The captain didn't exactly know what to expect but it certainly wasn’t that.

“I didn’t...” Freddy looked off, feeling lost as he slightly shook his head. “I didn’t  _ want _ it in the first place. It wasn’t planned and certainly not expected… But my wife wanted it.”

He rolled his lips together in thought.

“When I read how excited she was for it I thought that the baby would be the perfect ‘I’m sorry’ gift for when I… When I left. But I think... I think that deep down I knew how selfish and horrible that sounds but... Now that it’s gone I know I can’t go back to her- I can’t soothe the broken heart of my wife. I can’t mourn a child I never wanted… But I feel like I should care more because I made it. That’s  _ our _ creation, that’s  _ my _ baby,” He looked over to K, revealing his watery eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.”

K nodded, showing that he was listening.

“I think-” The captain cleared his throat. “I’m no doctor but I think that your feelings can be understood on a certain level.”

He turned a bit so he was facing Freddy more.

“You’re not in a good-” He moved his hand around in a circle. “Headspace. So I can see where you’re coming from. But… You’ve got to face it at some point because there’s a woman out there who needs your consoling.”

Freddy only nodded before running a hand over his face and reaching into his pocket. The older man cleared his throat again, clearly not sure what he should say to fill the silence.

“What was the baby?” He asked as Freddy lit a cigarette.

The sub-officer rolled his shoulders around a bit as he took a long drag from his cig.

“It was a girl. Brigitta wanted to name it Waultraud if it was a girl, which I think-” Freddy let out an exasperated laugh and looked over to K. “Which I think is ridiculous because that’s just signing your child up to be tormented in school. But no, she insisted on it.  _ ‘Friedrich, it means power’ _ she’d tell me.”

K laughed at that and took a swig from his flask.

“That’s just women.”

Freddy shook his head before taking a puff from his cig.

“No, that’s just Brigitta.”

The two shared a small smile but dropped it when they realized it probably had lasted too long. Freddy cleared his throat and looked back in front of them. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, K leaned over and nudged the sub-officer’s arm with his elbow.

“This feels familiar, yeah?” He asked with a small smile.

This made Freddy look around with a furrowed brow before looking back to K.

“I don’t get it.”

K’s smile faltered a bit and he leaned back to his original position.

“The first time we slept together we sat outside on the balcony and smoked and talked.”

Freddy’s mouth formed an ‘o’ before he nodded.

“I’m surprised you remembered.”

The captain laughed and sipped from his flask.

“I thought it was nice that you stayed. No one ever really stayed. It was endearing.”

“I guess,” Freddy softly laughed, not really into the perceived sentiment.

Before the sub-officer could take another drag from his cigarette the captain spoke again.

“You don't actually have animosity towards me because of that night, right?” He asked.

Freddy took a nice and long drag when he heard that.

“That night messed me up a bit.”

K’s brow furrowed. 

“You’re going to have to elaborate on that one for me.”

The sergeant shifted a bit.

“That night, I… You were so nice to me, in a way no man has ever been to me since. I thought you were so incredibly charming and I… I didn’t-” He let out a soft, pathetic, laugh. “I didn’t want to leave if I’m being honest. It’s probably my fault that I got so attached so quickly but when you left me and I saw you with that man I felt my heart ache a bit.”

He began to play with his hands in thought.

“After that I started thinking, trying to figure out what I did wrong. You took ages to- To  _ finish _ and I figured that that’s why you left.”

K frowned and turned to face Freddy, just a bit more.

“But I  _ did _ finish and that other man… If I’m being honest he was probably just a recent fling of mine. I was a  _ whore _ back then,” He softly laughed at that. “It had nothing to do with you or your  _ performance _ . And I don’t know, maybe I set a standard for you, and no one ever met it.”

Freddy rolled his eyes as he tossed his cigarette.

“You’re a bit of a dick, you know.”

He didn’t really mean it, not entirely, at least.

“Ah, yeah. But I make up for it in bed.”

“Mm, do you, though?” Freddy jokingly replied, attempting banter to lighten the mood.

The captain’s smirk faltered a bit and Freddy took immediate notice.

“I was joking. I was just trying to knock you down a few pegs.”

K nodded.

“I knew that.”

Freddy chuckled to himself before realizing how close he was to K. If either of them made the slightest move their elbows would have touched. He wanted to move away but didn’t want to bring attention to the small amount of space in between them. A bit wary, Freddy looked up to see if K was looking away so he could scoot away and make it feel more natural, but the captain looked right back at him. For some reason, the sub-officer couldn’t get himself to look or  _ move _ away. 

He wasn’t. 

…

He  _ wouldn’t _ .

… 

_ And then he did.  _

__ Before Freddy knew it, K’s back was on the ground and Freddy was on top of him; Their fingers intertwined into one another’s hair as their mouths hungrily pressed together. Just like the night a few days ago, Freddy was reveling in every way K was touching him. The captain caressed and squeezed every part of his body  _ just right _ . Maybe it was because Freddy was incredibly touch-starved or maybe it’s because his wife, or anyone for that matter, certainly never touched him as K did, but he was loving it, as much as he didn’t exactly want to. His daze was broken when K pressed his hand up onto his upper groin.

“Captain,” He breathed, shifting himself up a bit as he did so. 

Said man looked up and paused.

“K will do just fine.”

Freddy nodded.

_ “K, _ you don’t have to.”

“Do you want me to?”

__ The way the captain’s brown eyes looked so big and sincere to Freddy made him feel completely safe; A rare feeling for him.

“I do,” He softly replied.

“Are you sure?” K asked.

__ Freddy nodded with a quick  _ ‘Yes’ _ and rolled over, swapping positions with K. He placed his weight back on his elbows, watching as the captain pulled down the zipper of his pants in an efficient movement. Freddy shuddered when his bottom half was partially undressed, need taking over as he did so. He felt the captain run a hand up his thigh before dipping down. The second K’s mouth enveloped him, Freddy moaned and rolled his head back, the warm and wet feeling being a large contrast to the cool spring air. He looked back and watched as K hollowed out his cheeks and went lower. The sub-officer curled his fingers around the soft, slim, pieces of grass beneath his palms as his chest began to rise far faster than it had previously. As he grasped the grass below him, Freddy lowered himself down onto his back and closed his eyes.

__ So many thoughts were swirling through his mind- What he was going to do about his situation was the biggest one. What  _ was _ he supposed to do? He was terrified about going home and having to deal with his grieving wife; having to face his situation head-on. He just wanted to run away from it all- He wanted to get out. But now he was with a captain who swore to get him back up on his feet and help him out- Help that Freddy didn’t desire, especially from K.

_ K. _ Freddy wanted to curse himself out for even allowing himself to be in this position again. To be in some weird situation where he’d be having sexual relations with someone who he resented but also secretly admired for years. __ He told himself this would never happen again; That he wouldn’t  _ allow _ it to happen again. This could just be a one-time- Scratch that.  _ Two-time _ thing. They’d go back to being colleagues, Freddy would figure everything out after this and this would never happen again.  _ It would never— _ Freddy tensed and came with a satisfied moan.  _ —happen again. _


End file.
